I find Christmas, and the run up to it, pretty hard. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE Christmas - I love how sociable it is and that I get to see lots of friends and family - but it's also tough. I totally lose control of myself and gorge and gorge on alcohol and food for a good month. I watch myself getting fatter and fatter and I beat myself up for being a self-destructive idiot with no willpower who is just making a bad situation worse. Christmas also makes me reflect a lot on my life.
I go home for Christmas every year and I'm always hugely excited about it, but then I get there and I'm surrounded by my family's families and it just reminds me that I haven't got a little family of my own, nor am I anywhere near to having one. And I find that difficult, heart-wrenching, soul-destroying and terrifying. Again - don't get me wrong - I love spending time at home with my family, but there are moments where the melancholy breaks through a bit.
So it's a new year. It started well, I saw it in with one of my very favourite people who cares about me a lot and dragged me out to have fun. I danced. I never dance, ever. We got drunk, we ate dirty dirty food at 2am (well I did, he's vegetarian - how dirty can it get?) and then we rolled home to our respective beds.
I woke up on January 1st feeling brilliant and positive and like this could be the year that I get a bit happy and start being a bit nicer to myself. So I made some resolutions:
1. Give up smoking.
Yup. It has to be done. It's disgusting and expensive and I have no lung capacity and, frankly, I have enough vices. This must be done by the end of the year.
2. Drink less; eat less and better things.
I drink too much. I can drink most people under the table. THIS IS NOT A GOOD THING. I also eat way too much. Portion control is my nemesis. I'm going to kick its ass this year. I'm also crap at eating fruit and vegetables. These must start featuring at each and every meal.
3. Be nicer to myself & less self-destructive.
Wah wah wah. No real idea how but I'm going to try.
4. Lose 5 stones.
Yes, really. 5. I calculated that I have put on 2lbs per month, on average, over the last 3 years. Idiot. Now I have to lose it. I have lovely small clothes to get back into, I was happy when I was thinner. I've joined weight watchers and I am going to my first meeting today.
5.Take lunch to work a minimum of 3 times a week.
I'm skint. In addition the only places near to my office are Tesco, Pret and Carluccios. Bad. This resolution worries me because I've recently realised something: I don't like cold food. And we have no heating facilities at work. Salad makes me want to shoot myself and I'm not a huge fan of the sandwich. Uh oh.
6. Use the step machine when watching tv.
Yes, I really do own one. I have used it once and I got tired so I hid it. Idiot.
7. De-clutter the flat, paint the kitchen, bathroom and doors.
I have been meaning to paint these things for 5 years. I'm almost certain to break this one because I'm so lazy.
8. Rejoin Guardian Soulmates once thinner and BEHAVE on dates.
My ex really laughed at this one. I do need to behave on dates though. I need to drink less (nothing?) and not get carried away by The Dream (Oh Ny God He's Perfect We Will Totally Get Married And Have Babies And Snuggle On The Sofa Forever And Ever Amen.) Men can SMELL the presence of the dream. I need to BE COOL. I love dating, I'm good at it (not the getting-a-relationship-from-it part, but the date itself is almost always FUN) and the only thing stopping me from dating is my embarrassment at how I currently look.
9. Shop in Nunhead for fresh food.
I'll break this one. I just really, really love Ocado. My bank account hates it.
10. Learn to meditate.
I'm an anxious egg. I spend a lot of time feeling stressed, anxious, worried, whatever you want to call it. I'm trying to stop this but I'm not doing very well. I think it also contributes to my insomnia, so I think that meditating would be good for me. Anyone know how?
11. Stop eating out all the time.
Essential. I can't afford it and it's not diet-friendly. FACT.
And that's pretty much it. Well, there's one more thing but I'm going to be keeping that close to my chest for the time being.
2012 is going to be the year where changes are made. Scary, but brilliant...I hope.
Happy new year.