Wednesday, 14 March 2012

Strange times

I haven't blogged for ages.  This is largely for the following reasons:

(a) I haven't really cooked anything for a while; and
(b) I'm just getting fatter and fatter.

I find myself in a very weird and uneasy situation: one where I'm totally unhappy with my life, with myself...hating the way that I look and feeling that my weight is responsible for a good 80% of my misery (I have been thin - I KNOW it's good being in that gang) and yet I'm seemingly powerless to do anything about it. 

I arrange nights out.  I eat anything and everything that I want when I'm out, taking no care to avoid the bit that's fried.  I invite people over for lunch and cook them onglet with beef dripping chips and mayonnaise. 

Our systems went down at work today and I went out to do various bank-related stuff.  On the way back to the office I noticed that FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER there wasn't a queue around the block at Chilango, so in I walked.  Burritos aren't even really my thing.  I could have had a salad.  I could even have had a relatively healthy burrito, but no.  I looked at the array of sauces and cheese and guacamole in front of me and I pretty much thought "What's the way of making this the most unhealthy it could possibly be?  Get it all in there."  And so I did. 

I'm out of control and I truly, truly don't know why.  Confession time - I've been having counselling recently (it's finished now) and my therapist asked me why I wasn't taking action over a couple of issues that we've been focusing on.  Inaction over one of the things was completely clear to me - scared of change, fear of rejection and all that jazz.  But this?  Why am I doing everything in my power to screw myself up even more?  Why can't I just stop eating?  I just don't know.  I really can't figure it out.

It's making me so unhappy.  There's an event on next week and I'm probably going to bail out because I'm ashamed of how I look right now.  I don't want to meet people looking like this.  I'm horrified that I haven't lost the weight I'd intended to lose before going to Australia.  We're going to the Sydney Races - I'll have to wear a skirt or a dress...this is disastrous.

I don't really know why I've done this blog post. 

I've just revisited my list of New Year's Resolutions.  I have resolutely failed on all of them except I HAVE given up smoking (go me!) and I have cut down my alcohol intake significantly.  Although now when I do's not a good look. 

Anyway.  Sorry for the moan.  And to my actual, real-life friends, I'm sorry I'm such a miserable bastard right now.  You've been so good to me.