I haven't blogged for ages. This is largely for the following reasons:
(a) I haven't really cooked anything for a while; and
(b) I'm just getting fatter and fatter.
I find myself in a very weird and uneasy situation: one where I'm totally unhappy with my life, with myself...hating the way that I look and feeling that my weight is responsible for a good 80% of my misery (I have been thin - I KNOW it's good being in that gang) and yet I'm seemingly powerless to do anything about it.
I arrange nights out. I eat anything and everything that I want when I'm out, taking no care to avoid the bit that's fried. I invite people over for lunch and cook them onglet with beef dripping chips and mayonnaise.
Our systems went down at work today and I went out to do various bank-related stuff. On the way back to the office I noticed that FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER there wasn't a queue around the block at Chilango, so in I walked. Burritos aren't even really my thing. I could have had a salad. I could even have had a relatively healthy burrito, but no. I looked at the array of sauces and cheese and guacamole in front of me and I pretty much thought "What's the way of making this the most unhealthy it could possibly be? Get it all in there." And so I did.
I'm out of control and I truly, truly don't know why. Confession time - I've been having counselling recently (it's finished now) and my therapist asked me why I wasn't taking action over a couple of issues that we've been focusing on. Inaction over one of the things was completely clear to me - scared of change, fear of rejection and all that jazz. But this? Why am I doing everything in my power to screw myself up even more? Why can't I just stop eating? I just don't know. I really can't figure it out.
It's making me so unhappy. There's an event on next week and I'm probably going to bail out because I'm ashamed of how I look right now. I don't want to meet people looking like this. I'm horrified that I haven't lost the weight I'd intended to lose before going to Australia. We're going to the Sydney Races - I'll have to wear a skirt or a dress...this is disastrous.
I don't really know why I've done this blog post.
I've just revisited my list of New Year's Resolutions. I have resolutely failed on all of them except I HAVE given up smoking (go me!) and I have cut down my alcohol intake significantly. Although now when I do drink...woweeeeeeeeee....it's not a good look.
Anyway. Sorry for the moan. And to my actual, real-life friends, I'm sorry I'm such a miserable bastard right now. You've been so good to me.
There are stages in all our lives when we go through the shit. Like you im feeling the fat thing now, i bought two t shirts the other day both xxl ones like a cyclist vest.
ReplyDeleteI have the food issue as well, last night a lean pork loin steak what with it mushrooms and leeks oh and a pot of creme freche to finish it off, washed down with a bottle of wine.
Keep your chin up and push forward.
Sometimes it's just hard to take action on things - I think there's usually a reason that you probably can't see at the time.
ReplyDeleteIt *could* just be inertia, but it's unlikely really...
I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that I don't think that fatness makes you (general you, not necessarily YOU you)miserable - it's just a symptom or an excuse (that's not really the right word) or something - maybe you were much happier when you were thinner, but I don't suppose that was the actual reason...
All that aside, you don't need to be ashamed of how you look - you are CONSIDERABLY more attractive than most people - nobody but you would think anything otherwise.
Also - I totally don't get the whole skirt thing - I would NEVER wear trousers, EVER. Dresses/skirts are super flattering :-)
You are a drug addict you are an alcohol addict you are a food addict you are a nicotine addict you are a sex addict.
ReplyDeleteChoose one, they are all essentially the same, just people medicating their feelings with their medication of choice, yours is food , mine was alcohol.
Until you sort the feelings out you will not be able to stop the medication
Go to group, get a better therapist do CBT or NLP You will continue to eat your feelings of worthlessness and self disgust until you sort out the root cause, you may know what that is or you may not.
Sorry to be harsh.
Except that they're not the same really... You can give up those other things. You can't give up food :(
DeleteI read a magazine recently (so it must be true) with an article written by a woman who had finally lost some weight after years of struggling, trying every diet etc. She eventually had some counselling or something that helped. But ultimately felt that she had been overweight for so long, that she blamed this for all of the problems in her life. She felt that she didn't lose weight because if she did, she wouldn't have this as the "excuse" or thing to blame for being miserable. And then she would have to address this. Maybe this is baloney. But maybe not?
ReplyDeleteFran, I think you should give yourself credit, you've given up smoking AND cut down on booze! These are great achievements in themselves. Trying to do too many things at once is never going to work. Feel proud of what you have achieved!
ReplyDeleteTry writing down everything you eat - sometimes this can make you really think about where you are going wrong - it's helped me!
As you know I lost several stone a while back. It was a definitive turning point in my life when I specifically said "no more excuses" and meant it. You don't seem to had done that yet, and I guess till you do there will always be the potential for you to go off the rails (disastrously or otherwise). Eating to get fatter - which is what you seem to be doing now - is a sad thing and I feel very sorry for the plight you find yourself in. I feel equally sorry that I watch you do this to yourself day by day on twitter without being able to help in any way. Sometimes I feel like unfollowing you because it's so hard to watch, other times I feel I need to stay to at least be able to give encouragement or support when I can. Even if I don't feel I've helped when I do that, maybe I have in some small way contributed by adding to the massed voices of your friends who very obviously care for you greatly and want you to be good to yourself too. Perhaps listening to them and not yourslef will allow you to get to that "no more excuses" point and let you turn off the destructive "Fran-voice" in your head.
ReplyDeleteOK...I'm going to stop avoiding responding to the comments now!
ReplyDelete@Ian - thank you. I really hope that you get past this too as it's horrible to be so stuck.
@Miss Whiplash - I think you're right. I don't think that my fatness is the underlying cause of my misery, it's a symptom of the fact that something (LOTS of things) are making me unhappy. But from experience, I know that when I did lose the weight before, everything was better. I WAS happier. Life wasn't perfect - whose is?? - but it was better.
@thebakehouseboy - I don't think you were being harsh. I agree with you that there is an addiction here, but as Miss Whiplash points out, the problem with food is that I can't just stop eating. My therapist did work using CBT techniques - he was amazing as it happens, we just got to a point where I realised that I wasn't helping myself, so I stopped it. I don't think that there is a therapist out there that could crack this at the moment.
@Anonymous - I think you are very wise. I do sometimes wonder if this is EXACTLY what is happening with me. I really don't know...I do blame my fatness for most things although I think I'm emotionally intelligent enough to *know* that it's a bit more complex that this. So I don't know. This could be totally true of me, it may not be. I just don't know, and it's the not knowing that is killing me at the moment.
@Miss Kitty-Whip - I'm always SO much better when I write things down. I need to get back to this as soon as possible.
@Nicky - I'm sorry to have frustrated you in this way. I can totally understand that it must be difficult/annoying to observe. When people have unfollowed me recently, I've totally understood why, it's absolutely fine, honestly. Unfortunately I don't think that there's much helping me at the moment.